your thong is hanging out like whoa
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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