today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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