My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
