What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
