I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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