My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I stole a fireplace last night.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
