I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
