i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
