i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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