I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Randomize
