omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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