im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
