drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I love you. Go after that dick
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
