i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
