wanna go halves on a baby?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
