Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
