My cat gives me a boner
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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