I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize