I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
