i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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