More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
