I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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