Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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