my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
