he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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