I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
