Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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