Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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