It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
