i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
