i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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