I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
