I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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