Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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