I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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