we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize