I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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