You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
