You're earring is so big in my mouth
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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