Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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