he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
