please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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