Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
