This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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