the condom got lost in my hair
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
