God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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