I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize