So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
