I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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