I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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