just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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