Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
