you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
