Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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