remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
