how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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