I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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