I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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