how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Let's get the cat blown out
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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