Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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