I never want to see another naked old woman again.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
