got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize