I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
