Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
