i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
