WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
