just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
