last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
