I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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