Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize