you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
