I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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