I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
